My first post comes from Miss X. I have known Miss X for a long time, (10 years) and I thank her for writing to me and allowing me to put this here as my starting post.
Miss X writes:
Miss X writes:
Dear Dr. Don, my bf and dad want me to choose between them when it comes to making decisions about my future and future family. U know the details, so I won't bore you with my story. I love them both, and wish I weren't an emotional burden on them. I don't know what to do or say to either of them.
Well, from my point of view, you should decide on what you want from your future and future family. When it comes to these points of contention, it is your life that hangs in the balance. If you plan to spend your future with your dad, then follow that path. If you wish to have a future with your bf, who at some point may become a financee and then spouse, then that is the direction you need to go.
You can't help being an emotional burden upon them, and you should not consider yourself to be one because it is their choice to be burdened with you. If your bf has the idea that there is too much "weight" upon him from the situation, he can leave the relationship. While that is not nice, it is an option, and also an option for you too. At the same time, you should not be under pressure from your dad about the future because if he is doing his proper parental role, he should be supporting your future and not holding you back.
What you can say to them depends entirely on which path you decide to take. I personally would advocate for you to step forwards and out of your family shadow. One day, you want your own family, your own husband and children. Your parents know this, it is just that your father is trying to not give up whatever grasp of control he has enjoyed over his daughter all these years. Parents have a hard time letting go of their children when they grow up and leave home, but they must learn to deal with it and come to terms that their babies have all grown up. Tell him you've grown up, this is your path, your life. Thank him for all you have had from him but at some point, you must walk life with your own feet.
Stand on your own two feet. Walk tall, walk forwards. Use people who are there to support you. In your case, your boyfriend is very supportive, and probably more so than your father, and that is why I think it is time to let go. Let go of the hold you are allowing your dad has upon you, he has to let go of you, let go of your past, just as your boyfriend has let go of his to be with you. Then you can advance together towards a future, if that is where you want to be.
Tell your boyfriend what is in your mind, discuss things openly, don't hide them, don't hide behind them. Communications is the key. Along the way, you will find a solution, it may require compromise, but, without communication, you won't ever reach a suitable solution at all.
You can't help being an emotional burden upon them, and you should not consider yourself to be one because it is their choice to be burdened with you. If your bf has the idea that there is too much "weight" upon him from the situation, he can leave the relationship. While that is not nice, it is an option, and also an option for you too. At the same time, you should not be under pressure from your dad about the future because if he is doing his proper parental role, he should be supporting your future and not holding you back.
What you can say to them depends entirely on which path you decide to take. I personally would advocate for you to step forwards and out of your family shadow. One day, you want your own family, your own husband and children. Your parents know this, it is just that your father is trying to not give up whatever grasp of control he has enjoyed over his daughter all these years. Parents have a hard time letting go of their children when they grow up and leave home, but they must learn to deal with it and come to terms that their babies have all grown up. Tell him you've grown up, this is your path, your life. Thank him for all you have had from him but at some point, you must walk life with your own feet.
Stand on your own two feet. Walk tall, walk forwards. Use people who are there to support you. In your case, your boyfriend is very supportive, and probably more so than your father, and that is why I think it is time to let go. Let go of the hold you are allowing your dad has upon you, he has to let go of you, let go of your past, just as your boyfriend has let go of his to be with you. Then you can advance together towards a future, if that is where you want to be.
Tell your boyfriend what is in your mind, discuss things openly, don't hide them, don't hide behind them. Communications is the key. Along the way, you will find a solution, it may require compromise, but, without communication, you won't ever reach a suitable solution at all.
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